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Guide Overview

Apologizing Without Shame

A big part of resolving conflict is in our ability to apologize for the impact we have made on our partner. If this is hard for you it is likely because you haven't learned how to apologize without shame. Here are some insights on shame free apology.
March 2, 2023
Summary Notes

- Apologizing can be a difficult and emotional process for many of us, as it can trigger feelings of shame and the belief that apologizing means admitting that we are wrong and the other person is right. This mindset often stems from toxic and abusive family dynamics where apologies carry shame. However, it's important to shift this perspective and view apologies as a way to show care and concern for the pain of our partner.

- Apologizing should be less about admitting our own wrongdoing and more about acknowledging the impact that our actions or words had on our partner. This shift in mindset can help build a stronger connection and create a pathway for reconciliation. In a healthy relationship, both partners should be open to the process of apologizing and taking responsibility for their actions.

- An apology can also be a way of showing that we are committed to making changes and not repeating our mistakes. It's a way of putting the relationship first and prioritizing our partner's well-being. A well-timed apology can quickly defuse tension and help bring two people back to a place of joy and connection.

- In conclusion, apologizing can be a powerful tool in strengthening relationships and resolving conflicts. By changing our perspective and approach to apologies, we can use them to create a more loving and supportive dynamic with our partner. When both partners are willing to apologize and take responsibility for their actions, the relationship can flourish.

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Lets Talk about why apologies are often incredibly hard to do and can create a trigger for all of us. Apologies can feel like you were saying to the other person, you were right. I was wrong. You're on top. I'm on bottom. There's this old, abusive mindset that you may have grown up in or maybe generations of your family engaged.

where whoever has to apologize carries the shame of the situation. So when you get into a conflict with your partner, where maybe you just are both out of sync, you start really vying to get the ven, to be the one to be sorry and not you. Because it's a terrible feeling if saying, sorry, means I'm taking ownership of being a bad person and you are the good person and the right person, and I'm the.

I'm the wrong person. But there's another way. Apologizing can be less about saying, I'm bad, I'm wrong. And more about saying, I recognize the way that something I did or said or didn't do or didn't say was painful for you, and that doesn't mean I'm bad. In your right. It means I care about your pain. Yeah.

Sometimes we're flat out doing something that wasn't very nice. Usually though there's a human reason behind the thing that we're doing. Regardless. When we bring our apologies to our partner, it creates this pathway between us. They can see that our goal isn't to put them on the bottom and put ourselves on top.

Our goal is to be reconnected and reestablished into that synchronous joy of being together. One of my favorite things in my relationship with my partner is how he taught. To apologize quickly and melt quickly and to come back and return in a moment where things are off and simply use the words, I'm so sorry.

I can't tell you how many times he's taken me from steel to butter just by saying that, and now I've learned that it actually feels really good to apologize. You are putting the relationship as the priority over your perspectives. Now, this won't work if you're the only one who a. So both people have to co participate in the process of apologizing to each other.

Another good quote is that, I'm sorry, means I am going to do my best to change and not to do it again. Some things we'll do on accident over and over throughout our lives, but we're really putting in the effort to recognize this brought my partner pain. I don't want them to feel pain. I'm going to try not to do that thing again in, in a secure relationship.

When this starts happening at the end of the conflict, it kind of. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry too. No, I'm, I'm really am. I'm just so sorry for my part, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I know, I know. But my part too, I really feel like I needed to own, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Thank you. Thank you. I love you. I love you too.

You got this.