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Guide Overview

Hugging Until Relaxed

A technique developed by David Snarch PhD to maintain connection during tense moments.
February 24, 2023
Summary Notes

- "Hugging to relax" tip from David David Schnarch book "Passionate Marriage"

- When partners are getting heated during a conflict, nervous systems are activated

- Suggestion is to lay down and hug until tension starts to melt

- Mental addition to the tip: repeat "There's nothing we can't get through together" and focus on love for the partner

- Hugging helps activate the brain across different spheres, leading to a more calm state of mind

- Resulting in the ability to practice active listening, give space and time, and develop curiosity during conflicts

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This tip is not an original attachment nerd tip. It comes from David Sn, who is a therapist who wrote a book called Passionate Marriage. This is in his book if you wanna read it, but he calls this hugging to relax. It's very simple. Basically, when you recognize that you and your partner are getting. So your nervous systems are getting activated.

You're starting to talk at our, you're starting to clench your fist. Things are starting to get, heated is a word we used to describe that you are needing to calm your bodies down and get into alignment so you can have a conversation about whatever the thing is. His suggestion is that you simply lay down, you hug until that mm starts to melt.

And I wanna tell you, this is incredibly awkward to start because the start of it is like, I was like, I don't wanna touch you right now. I'm mad at you. I'm not doing the thing I want you to do. We're hearing the thing I want you to hear and you put your arms around them and you're gonna lay there, probably both of you in this kind of like stiffness.

And as you do it, this is my addition to this tip. I want you within your mind, say there's nothing we can't get through together. There is nothing we can't get through together. I love this person. If I lost them, I would be devastated. There's nothing we can't get through together.

Sorry. You are essentially helping your mind to recognize this is friend, not foe. Right. Yes, we're having a dilemma, but no, we are not on opposite teams. No, there doesn't have to be a winner and a loser. We are in this together. I love this person. And as you hug until relaxation, basically what's happening is it's allowing your brain to be more activated across your different spheres instead of just simply in your.

Spaces in your Olympic system, and then when you come back together, you're far more likely to adhere to some of the other tips in this guide where you practice active listening and you give each other space and time and you develop curiosity because you are no longer in that defensive state, you are calming your body in order to calm your mind.