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Guide Overview

Conflict Histories

This video is a reflection to help you consider the various past influences on each of your conflict styles. A dive into history can often bring clarity to what is happening in the present and what needs to happen for a happier future.
February 24, 2023
Summary Notes

- Navigating conflict in relationships is dependent on understanding one's own history and that of the partner around conflict.

- To effectively resolve conflicts, it's necessary to reflect on past experiences and the meaning attached to emotions, especially anger.

- A person's background, past relationships, and family environment can influence their behavior in conflicts.

- Fear of abuse, humiliation, and being wrong can also play a role in conflict resolution.

- Understanding each other's backgrounds and reflecting on their own experiences with conflict is an ongoing process for both partners.

- To get started, the guide "Discovering Our Conflict Histories" offers a starter worksheet and a deeper dive is possible with the book "Securely attached".

- Both partners can reflect on their own history and compare notes for a better understanding of each other.

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Our ability to navigate conflict effectively with our partners is gonna be largely informed by how well we know both ourselves and our partner's history around conflict in their growing up, in their previous relationships, and in general, the way that they work in the world. You're stuck in a cycle of conflict with your partner that you can't figure out how to resolve outside of those times of conflict.

I want you to, to set some time. , sit down and review some of your histories together. Tell some of your stories from the past, from other relationships that have influenced some of the things you feel in the moment the conflict arises. What did your families of origin do when you were mad or angry or upset?

How did they respond? What meaning did they put on your anger? Did your parents, did your caregivers model for. What it's like to engage in healthy conflict, or did they avoid conflict or on the other hand, go all the way to maximum brutality? Were you in past relationships where there was abuse or things that happened in conflictual situations that your nervous system is now wired to fear happening again?

Did you grow up in an environment or have another relationship where someone was always trying to be right and put you in the wrong? Do you fear humiliation? In other words, when you. A conflict with somebody you're most afraid will happen in a conflict. You aren't gonna be able to do this in one sitting.

Your partner is an incredibly complex person just as you are. And so both your self-reflection and your curiosity with them are going to be an ongoing, ever evolving process. But taking that stance with someone to say, what is it you're most worried about, will help you to regulate some of the ways that you.

For example, my husband grew up in a family that didn't engage in conflict directly. I grew up in a family that took conflict to the next level. As we come together, we can both hold an appreciation and an understanding of each other's backgrounds. That helps us to move towards the other person in a way that they can understand and digest.

Starter worksheet in the guide called Discovering Our Conflict Histories that you can use to begin some of these convers. If you wanna do a much deeper dive, you can check out my book Securely attached. It's a workbook specifically designed to help you go through your own history of attachment and understand why you operate the way you operate.

And your partner could do it at the same time doing their version, and you can compare notes.