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Guide Overview

Conflict or Abuse?

This video is to help you clarify if your relationship struggle is learning to cooperate in conflict, or if someone has an abusive mentality. The difference is important, because abuse is not a couple's concern, it is a mentality in an individual taken out on their partner.
March 2, 2023
Summary Notes

- Clarification of the difference between conflict cycles/patterns and abuse cycles/patterns

- Conflict: My needs vs. your needs mixed up, communication breakdown, difficulties in honoring both people

- Abuse: belief in control, justification to react in abusive ways, conflict not about both needs being met, abusive person remains in control and dominates partner

- Relationships have conflict, but abuse creates conflict with a different dynamic

- Couples conflict interventions will not work if one person has an abusive mentality

- Person with abusive mentality must address false belief in control before any progress can be made

- If situation is potentially abusive, seeking help from a specialist and domestic violence hotline is advised

- Google "domestic violence hotline" for immediate assistance

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 As you're entering this guide, I want to make sure to clarify that there's a difference between conflict cycles and patterns and abuse cycles and patterns. Conflict is about my needs and your needs getting mixed up with each other, our communication getting mixed up, us not being able to figure out how we can honor both people at the same time.

Every relationship has conflict. There is no way around that. The question is, have you learned how to cooperate in conflict or. Abuse is a pattern in which someone believes in their mind that they should have control, that they should get what they want, when they want it, how they want it, and that they are justified to react and treat the other person in punishing ways if they don't get those things.

Abuse creates conflict, but the conflict isn't about both of us getting our needs met. The conflict is about the person who has the abusive mentality remaining in control and dominating the person who they have chosen to partner with. If someone has an abusive mentality, couples conflict interventions will not work.

Until that person has addressed this false belief that they deserve to be in control, they will use the tools of couples conflicts in order to dominate the person they are relating to. If you're listening to me and you're like, uh oh, that's maybe my situation. I'd like you to ask me for a refund and take that money and go and find a therapist who specializes in domestic violence.

And call the domestic violence hotline. If you just Google domestic violence hotline, it will pop up because you're gonna need specialty help in order to identify your next steps to stop the cycle of abuse.