One of the most challenging obstacles to taking care of ourselves is asking for what we need from people in our lives who are unwell in their interpersonal patterns.
When someone is unable or unwilling to respect our boundaries they often accuse us of being harsh, or unreasonable, or cruel.
But just because they accuse you of it, doesn't mean it's true.
If you have asked someone to treat you better and they haven't, it isn't cruel to spend less time with them. It's emotional self-care. It's cruel to continue to engage in hurtful behaviors when someone asks you to stop.
I hope all of you in these situations get time during the holidays where your peace is protected from the abusive mindsets of the people in your life who have not yet put in the work to learn safe, vulnerable ways of connecting.
Supporting a trauma survivor's felt safety means being present with empathy and patience, providing a space of safety to help calm their dysregulation and offer them a secure and grounding attachment relationship.
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Self-hatred is a product of insecure attachment and other traumas, but the first step towards self-love is to grieve and open up to the pain present in your attachment relationships and to see yourself in a new light.
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Avoid focusing too much on fairness when teaching kids, as it can create a belief that good behavior is always rewarded and bad behavior is always punished, leading to the dangerous belief that they deserve any trauma they experience, instead use relational motivation to guide them towards making good choices.
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