Our relationship to our children is an incredible flashlight onto our own well being.
Because our children rely on us and utilize us as a container for their complex emotions, they are likely to hit upon the areas in us that are in need of care.
This can be true for present stuff (like when we are hangry we are going to be far less patient until we get a sandwich in our system).
It is also true for unresolved past stuff. Like the wound of feeling invisible in our family of origin, or the trauma of a narcissistic parent, or our pattern of avoiding conflict etc.
If you find you're getting dysregulated about a particular issue with your child's behavior developmental stage, instead of fixating on how to urgently change them, take a pause and ask yourself this:
What is this trigger telling me about an area of my present or past that needs more care? And what is the care I need and how can I get it met?
For more complex things it might be time to get a caring therapist on board to help you process trauma etc.
May your children be just triggering enough that you get to heal in ways you never imagined, as you continue to play the role of caregiver to their hearts, needs, and developing journeys.
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In this video, relationship expert explains how the instinct to push away when wanting to be close is called "protest" behavior in attachment research, but in couples counseling, it is often referred to as sabotage, and shares the most effective way to bring your partner close is to express your desire for connection.
In this video, the speaker emphasizes the importance of attuning to children's inner world to build a secure attachment and suggests occasionally checking in with kids about their needs for love and affection, particularly during developmental leaps, to ensure that the love we give them is getting through in the way we intend it to.
Model for them your own consent process, and help them deeply understand the nuance of desire
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