Staying Calm When Your Child is Not

No items found.

The capacity to stay calm and grounded when a child has flipped their lid is largely linked to whether or not you had a grownup in your childhood who did it for you.

If instead you had grown ups that flipped their lids, or ignored you, or we're emotionally shut down in their responses, you probably face a form of panic that triggers you to a less competent place as a parent.

Though I know I am hitting the therapist stereotype on the head by mentioning a hurting inner child, it's worth the risk for me if it helps even one parent give their child more calm and compassionate support.

Emotions are not in and of themselves a threat of any kind. But being a small child in the throes of them without any proper control or power and no one to help you feel safe can feel entirely threatening. And if you then enter parenthood with that unresolved trauma, you may even feel victimized when your kids lose their marbles in your presence.

But your kids aren't being bad, or hurting you. They are hurting, and they need your comfort and help.

So I'm taking a play out of my EMDR (and evidence based trauma treatment I use with clients) play book and tweaking it a bit.

When your kid loses it and you can feel yourself starting to also:

1) Imagine the safest place that you can park your inner child so they don't interrupt your parenting

2) Give them all they need to be comfortable and nurtured

3) Tell them you'll attend to their needs after your kids get what they need

4) Return to being the parent and offering your kids the kind of dedicated calm and support no one was able to give you

Hope this helps even a little bit in your journey to be a fully available well regulated support to your children in their tenderest most upset moments.


Join the Attachment Nerd Herd

Complete access for $29

Similar to what you just watched

The Neuroscience of What Harsh Punishment Does to a Child

Discover why harsh punishments and power and control tactics can create compliance in children through fear and dissociative shutdown, and how these patterns can lead to adult relationships based on power and control or deep self-worth wounds in this eye-opening and insightful video that encourages compassionate limit setting without instilling fear.

What is Attachment Protest and Why is it Unhelpful as a Grownup?

In this video, relationship expert explains how the instinct to push away when wanting to be close is called "protest" behavior in attachment research, but in couples counseling, it is often referred to as sabotage, and shares the most effective way to bring your partner close is to express your desire for connection.

Anger Needs Empathy

In this video, learn about the power of empathy when dealing with anger, but also be warned about the limits of empathy in the context of abusive mentalities, where anger is used to justify harmful behavior.

Your free video usage has reached its limit.
Access this Video
Already a member? Login Here