Watch out for focusing too much on fairness as a teaching tool when your kids are little..
It creates a belief in their minds that all good behavior gets rewarded and bad behavior gets punished...that the world is just and orderly....this is a huge liability if they are exposed to trauma. Their conclusion becomes "I must have deserved this".
This belief is called The Just World Belief and is correlated with higher levels of PTSD in combat vets and SA survivors.
Instead of focusing on them being bad or good or fair...use relational motivation to help them make good choices..."sharing with our friends makes enjoying things more fun". "Taking turns helps us learn patience" etc. "It feels good to have a clean room and know where our things are"
And always send the message when they are in pain that you are there for them and don't think they caused it or deserves it.
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In this video, learn three practical tips for helping children learn honesty, including recognizing and managing your own anxiety, understanding that lying is normal and has a range of nuances, and creating an environment of empathy and understanding for messiness.
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In this video, Dr. Laura Markham shares practical tips on how to help kids and parents manage boredom by staying in a place of compassionate teaching, which involves expressing empathy, helping kids notice body sensations, developing the habit of seeing boredom as an unidentified need state, being patient, and teaching kids to discover their own options without collapsing into despair.
Supporting a trauma survivor's felt safety means being present with empathy and patience, providing a space of safety to help calm their dysregulation and offer them a secure and grounding attachment relationship.
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