When we say "use your words" during an emotional moment, we are trying to help our children come to a place of regulation. Unfortunately we are using a tool that they cannot access at that moment.
The reason they are not using their words, is because the language centers of the brain are being flooded with reactionary neurochemistry. Which means that hearing instructions via language isn't going to work either.
Instead, communicate with your non-verbal presence so that your child can FEEL your support to help their brain regain a sense of calm and connectedness.
After the emotional flooding has subsided and their thinking brain is above water again, they will be much more capable of using their words and helping you understand what was happening for them.
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In this video, the speaker discusses time outs from a perspective based on attachment research, emphasizing the importance of taking breaks to help reset our brains when we are dysregulated and the need for calm co-regulation rather than isolating with shame or pain as a lesson, adding that the lesson we want to teach is that our bodies need breaks sometimes to calm down so our brains can make good, safe choices - and this lesson applies to marriages as well!
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In this video, you'll learn that anger is not dangerous, but can be triggering due to past experiences, and that we need to teach children (and ourselves) how to feel and share anger safely, rather than shaming them for it, by helping them uncover and communicate the underlying need.
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Learn how to navigate parenting with a partner who is not on the same page as you when it comes to attachment-focused parenting in this enlightening video that emphasizes the importance of starting with connection, collaboration, and modeling instead of trying to persuade or degrade your partner's way of doing things, and seeking support if your partner is abusive.
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