Lots of confusion on the difference between calm and gentle teaching and permissiveness.
We don't have to be harsh or punitive to address a problematic behavior and draw limits and boundaries with our kids.
Think of yourself at a new job (a place where you are learning). Would you be more successful if someone was constantly docking your pay and slamming their fists on your desk when you messed up? Or would it be great if they had resources and metaphors and patience with you as you figured out how to master the new skills too were learning? If they don't punish you when you make a mistake they aren't being permissive right? They're being respectful.
And the thing that really gets me is how many people permit their own harsh, even violent reactions to their kids bad behavior, thinking that makes them not permissive.
They are permitting their own reactiveness, or punitive ways of relating therefore modeling those things!!!
Instead of effectively demonstrating the right calm way to handle hard stuff, the harsh reaction simply says, "you don't have the power, I do."
This might encourage fear and thereby create conformity and submission, but it does not model or teach emotional and behavioral maturity.
I had to do this post after the hundreds of comments on my slamming door post claiming the best solution was to remove a child's door and beat their butts. Oof.