When you grow up with parents who neglect, or ignore, or dismiss your feelings, you know the pain of being DEVALUED. It's traumatic.
That trauma if left unprocessed though, can lead you to do a different kind of injury to your children. Idealizing them.
Because you were made to feel you could do no right, you can accidentally over-correct into treating your children as if they can do no wrong.
Which in the end makes them ill equipped to navigate the unavoidable mistakes they will make in life. (and lead to their life partners being mad at you for never holding your children accountable and them having to be the one to break the illusion of their "perfectness". )
The opposite of devaluing a child, is adoring them WHILE guiding them and helping them learn what is and is not pro-social behavior. They need you to create boundaries and limits to protect them, and then be compassionate with their feelings, but not indulgent with every request.
The grown ups that I see who felt idealized as children don't usually feel happy about that experience either. It usually feels smothering and like they have to hide the true more complex sides of themselves to keep up the image you have of them.
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Learn how to overcome compassion fatigue and repair your relationship with your kids by owning your failure, offering delayed compassion, and starting the dance of connection again in this powerful video.
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In this heartwarming video, a gate attendant at Denver International Airport demonstrates the incredible power of empathy and patience in de-escalating a tense situation during a 6.5 hour flight delay, highlighting how accepting and understanding a child's emotions (and an adult's) can prevent dangerous behavioral responses and soothe their nervous systems.
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Discover why responding attentively to your young children won't make them weak, self-centered and dependent adults, as research shows that emotional attunement and responsiveness from caregivers helps children feel safe and develop better awareness and focus in relationships, whereas ignoring their emotional needs leads to heightened fear states that make it hard for them to learn the nuances of relationships - check out the recommended studies to learn more and trust your instincts for care.
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